the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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