Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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