Little spoons don't ask big questions
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
