just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
