So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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