literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
