I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
