it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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