You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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