I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
