i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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