She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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