there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
