My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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