Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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