nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
