her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
