Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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