Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
