went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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