i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
