life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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