You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
