You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you traded sex for a burrito?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Couch. On fire.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
