My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
