I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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