it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
