I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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