you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
