She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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