Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
