My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
