his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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