Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
