I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
