Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
