Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
