help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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