The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
