great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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