I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
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