i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
