Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
