Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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