He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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