i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
