rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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