My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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