soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
