someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
